Swine Suits

Last Sunday I was feeling good. After being beaten into miserable submission in our first 3 hockey games, we finally pulled out an unexpected win. I managed to escort two wayward pucks into the back of the net. It's been a dry year for me scoring wise, and it felt good. After the game I sat up in the bar, sipping Accelerade, fictionalizing the game with my teammates. I was exhausted, but my body felt fit and lean, toxins purged, lungs refreshed.

On the way home I decided to treat my new fit body to a trip to Sports Authority. I deserved a new swimming suit. I had worked hard and was starting to see the results. I wanted a suit with sleek lines, thin straps and dolphin like slipperiness. I plucked a few from the shelf. They looked fast. I smugly headed to the fitting room with more than the 3 items allowed.

The room was dimly lit by fluorescent lighting approximately 800 feet overhead. I stripped down and began pulling on the first suit. The sleek lines that caught my eye on the shelf twisted into grotesque curves which the designer could never have predicted. I peeled the offending item off with disgust and tried another. Skin squirted out here and there, accentuated by the shadows caused by the ridiculously high lighting. Slowly, I began to feel myself getting fatter by the minute. I wadded all the polyester into a messy ball and stomped out of the fitting room. I forced myself to hang each and every skinny suit back on the shelf with it's snickering cousins.

I headed for the racks of sweatpants. You know... the thick, grey kind we all used to have before sweating became so glamorous. I wanted the exact same pair of sweats pants Rocky Balboa wore as he flew up those steps. But what did I find? Flared, cutesy, mid-calf jobs they dared to call sweats. Come on. No one ever really sweats in those do they? I'm pretty sure they were explicitly designed for 19 year old pilates students to wear while ordering a fat-free mocha latte.

Anyhow, all I ended up buying was some Cliff Shot block energy gummies. Cause ya know... those are one size fits all.