Swine Suits

Last Sunday I was feeling good. After being beaten into miserable submission in our first 3 hockey games, we finally pulled out an unexpected win. I managed to escort two wayward pucks into the back of the net. It's been a dry year for me scoring wise, and it felt good. After the game I sat up in the bar, sipping Accelerade, fictionalizing the game with my teammates. I was exhausted, but my body felt fit and lean, toxins purged, lungs refreshed.

On the way home I decided to treat my new fit body to a trip to Sports Authority. I deserved a new swimming suit. I had worked hard and was starting to see the results. I wanted a suit with sleek lines, thin straps and dolphin like slipperiness. I plucked a few from the shelf. They looked fast. I smugly headed to the fitting room with more than the 3 items allowed.

The room was dimly lit by fluorescent lighting approximately 800 feet overhead. I stripped down and began pulling on the first suit. The sleek lines that caught my eye on the shelf twisted into grotesque curves which the designer could never have predicted. I peeled the offending item off with disgust and tried another. Skin squirted out here and there, accentuated by the shadows caused by the ridiculously high lighting. Slowly, I began to feel myself getting fatter by the minute. I wadded all the polyester into a messy ball and stomped out of the fitting room. I forced myself to hang each and every skinny suit back on the shelf with it's snickering cousins.

I headed for the racks of sweatpants. You know... the thick, grey kind we all used to have before sweating became so glamorous. I wanted the exact same pair of sweats pants Rocky Balboa wore as he flew up those steps. But what did I find? Flared, cutesy, mid-calf jobs they dared to call sweats. Come on. No one ever really sweats in those do they? I'm pretty sure they were explicitly designed for 19 year old pilates students to wear while ordering a fat-free mocha latte.

Anyhow, all I ended up buying was some Cliff Shot block energy gummies. Cause ya know... those are one size fits all.

Serenity Now

Finally, finally, I am starting to feel some progress in the water.
OK. So, I've only been at it for a week now. Have I mentioned that I am impatient? Actually, that's an under-exaggeration. When it comes to patience I have the maturity of a three year old. I want results now, or sooner.

This lack of patience can be dangerous. Logically, I understand that a potato chip eating couch diva should not attempt to reach Ironman status overnight. It's a flowery wrapped invitation for injury. I try to keep this in mind. I really do. I force myself to keep using the 10 pound dumbbells at 12 reps when my fantasy driven ego is screaming for more weight and pain. I try to reason with the inner child that can't understand why my body does not yet reflect the change that has occurred in my head. Mentally, I am a fit and driven triathlete. Physically, I am a unconditioned 37 year old recovering chip-oholic less than two months into a training regimen.

I'm still more than 20 pounds away from my ideal weight, and I still can't run any distance without walking. It is true that in the last 7 weeks I have lost pounds and inches. It is true that I have gained strength and energy. But I still have a long ways to go in all these areas, and my impatient brain just can't understand this.

Noticeable progress does help to quiet my impatience. Wednesday I left the water feeling beaten and deflated. Would I ever be able to complete a single lap without hyperventilating? I can work my ass off on the bike - why do I get so tired so quickly in the pool? That night I searched for answers online. I came across instructional swimming videos on YouTube. The videos detailed, both above and underwater, how to breathe and stroke during the freestyle. They offered yet more drills that complimented the ones my swim coach gave us last week.

So I went to the club Friday afternoon armed with YouTube visualizations and a plan. I marched confidently into the pool area, skipped the hot tub cowering and quickly found a lane. I positioned the kick board and push buoys as I'd seen in the videos and focused on slow, deliberate breathing and movements. I found that breathing out of my nose somehow calmed me down and reduced the feeling of hyper ventilation. I scrapped the 4-count-breathe we practiced last Sunday and simply lifted my head for air when it felt right. I remembered to keep my head down, and breathe bilaterally.

And something happened. Suddenly, I could do it. My form is not there, and I'm not ready to race the 500, but I could go back and forth without feeling I might die. I practiced single arm swimming with no legs. First one side, then the other. Then I left the kickboard and buoys behind and tried out my freestyle. I was doing it!! I wasn't exactly going in a straight line, and I wasn't breaking any speed records. But I was doing it. I was in the pool for over an hour and actually had to force myself to stop.

Thank God for progress, the ultimate motivator.
Patience be damned.

Have you seen my gills?

Huge kudos to yours truly for getting her arse outta bed after a nearly sleepless night to go swimming this am.

(side note: don't forget to notice that some Cliff Shot Blocks do have caffeine in them - I don't recommend them in the evening, even if you are affaid your weinie butt won't be able to keep up with the other triathletes on the treadmills).

I managed to crawl into the gym by 6:45. The masters swim class was still in session when I flip-flopped into the pool area. Technically a few lanes are reserved for lap swim, but they each had someone in them. There was room for me. That wasn't the problem. The problem was that I am ridiculously intimidated by all those awesome swimmers going back and forth, back and forth like sleek, mutant dolphins. I know - what a baby, right? I mean, just get the hell in there girl! They don't care. But no ... I slunk off to the hot tub to warm up for the last 10 minutes of the class. The upshot is that I got to enjoy the master coaches tirade about extending arms and turning heads and other things I didn't understand.

Finally, I snuck into the water. I'm still not really swimming yet. I'm limping down the lane with the drills our swim coach gave us Sunday. Mostly, I'm trying to figure out how to breathe - and it really stresses me out. Even now, sitting on the couch, if I try to simulate the pool breathing I vascillate between hyperventilating and breathlessness.

What I really need is a set of gills. Don't we have gills at some point during our fetal development? Why were those phased out?! Its like the big creator said "nah...lose the gills, that would make it too easy - let em learn to turn their head on every other stroke. That ought weed out the athletes from the whiners."
Damn Creator.

Pre Gladiator Days

Ok. So before I morph into a muscle bound, cycling gladiator I thought it best to document the early days of my evolution.

Currently on an evolutionary scale of 1 - 10, with 10 being a full on gladiator and 1 being a neophyte I would roughly estimate that I am a negative 2.

[side note to those who don't know me very well...no, I'm not really shooting for gladiator status - I'm just terribly unimaginative and watched the gladiator finals on the brain eater tonight]

Status of the pre-Gladiator
Bike - cycling is currently my strongest suit in the tri-sport closet. I am still slow, and need to build endurance for longer rides. But I enjoy it most. At present, I have one ride - a Novara Bonita hard tailed mountain bike. I put on studded tires in January, but have been out only once. Right now it is set up on my new trainer in the middle of my living room and the coffee table is cluttered with the Spinerval dvd's that arrived this weekend. I've become obsessed with getting a road bike this spring.
Status: typically 30 - 40 min rides, bike class with tri-sport coach on Thursdays, able to do Spinerval Ride Strong dvd today with appropriate effort (no cheating). Beginning to use heart rate monitor to train - but I don't quite have it figured out yet.

Short Term Goals: "No Slackers Allowed" dvd at least once a week, able to do 2 hrs on trainer w/o stopping, more biking outdoors

Run - One word: yuck. I have tried to like running at so many different points in my life I think I eventually gave up hope. Yeah...yeah...I know about the runners high thing people get if they just keep going. But I have never, never experienced this. That said, I am willing to really give running another chance. I don't know why. I just have this feeling that something has fundamentally changed for me. Perhaps its just Alzeimers.

Status: uh...not much. Had our first "run" class for the tri-sport course last Tuesday, but we just talked about Chi running. I did jump on the treadmill about 3 weeks ago after biking and did some run 2min walk 2min work. Best lesson I learned was to listen to my dang-nabit body when it tells me something. I stupidly tried to "work through" a....shall I say uncomfortable rubbing between my other set of cheeks and ended up with a nice and tender scab. [TMI warning - got to get the mensus/running thing straightened out.]

Short Term Goal: simply to be able to run a mile without stopping - no matter how slow I go. A nice bonus would be to begin enjoying running, but I'm not holding my breath.

Swim - ah yes, the swim. This is by far my weakest area. I don't detest it like the run, I just have no skill in the area. That said, it could very well be my area of greatest improvement this year. In 2005, it took me over 16 minutes to do the 500 yard swim in the Gold Nugget Tri. If you aren't in the know, let me make it clear... that is not just slow, that is nearly going backwards. The winning time was just over 5 min. The good news in all this is that it sets me up for incredible improvement potential this year. In 2005 I simply went for it and figured if I just flailed my arms a little faster I would eventually get there. This year, I have a swim coach. I met her today. I don't know her name, but I love her. If anyone can bring out my inner gladiator, it is her.

Status: To put it simply, I can't. At least not any measurable speed. Today I learned that your neck should be in line with your spine, looking down a the bottom of the pool. We worked on floating with our neck and spine in a neutral position, then worked on turning our body perpendicular to the bottom of the pool. She had us swim on our sides for 8 sec with the bottom arm straight out and the other at our side, then switch sides and immediately take a breath and continue (breaths in between as needed). Then we did the same thing in 4 second shifts. I actually did seem to feel my breathing relaxing. Still, I am incredibly winded just going to the end of the pool and back. I wonder how much of this has to do with my hyperventilating. I need to remember to keep my head facing down, not lifted out of the water so my hips don't fall and drag.

Short Term Goal: to feel less winded, to consistenly keep my head down, to be able to do a 100 without needing to gasp for air in the middle.

OK... wow...that is more information than I really need to write down. I for one am never coming back to read it. I guess I got carried away.
Damn blabbermouths.